♪ ♪ I used to be the queen of the music scene ♪
♪ Cristal, Prada, Limousines. ♪
♪ I was living large 'til trouble found me. ♪
♪ Found me. ♪
♪ And now I'm stuck in hell, suburbia, ♪
♪ never knew what two kids could do to ya ♪
♪ Soccer moms and carpools make me... ♪
♪ SCREAM! ♪
♪ (Screams) ♪
♪ This is gonna be tough, but I gotta ♪
♪ M-m... Mother Up! ♪
Eight-fifty-nine. Mom of the year! Right school, right children, sober -
primarily... Mimosas don't count.
I am nailing this whole mother thing.
Looking good, lady.
Well I do what I can.
Now what have I told you about you flirting with me?
[laughs playfully] Just put those inside.
Excuse me, sir.
Rudi. You're here early.
Forty eight hours early, right Jenny?
I said forty-eight hours early, because it's Saturday.
What! That's what I was trying to tell you, mom.
C'mon Dick, you know you're not supposed to
tell me anything important during mimosa hour.
If it's Saturday, what the hell are you all doing here?
Organizing the annual Charity Drive.
It's an enormous sacrifice but I do it because the
community needs leaders to set an example.
All charity does is set a bad example and
teach people to be lazy.
The world has enough losers.
Which reminds me, didn't you say your
"good friend", 2bit was going to win some
song of the year award?
His song, "Get All Up In My Crotch Apocalypse"
is a lock for this years Teen Convict Awards.
Oh, poor thing.
I'm sorry to have to be the one to tell you,
but he lost.
I think I would know that.
The awards show - last night -
Last night! I...I... Dammit!
That's why he kept calling me!
She missed the Teen Convict Awards, Jenny!
She's so surprised because she didn't think she would.
I guess being black-balled from the music industry
makes it hard to keep track of things.
Trust us, we've all been there.
Being a mom is a full time job.
That isn't true. We're not the same.
I'm not like you people.
Rudi, you betrayed me.
2Bit don't know if he will ever trust again!
What's that noise? Snowball's working on a song.
I ain't leaving no stone unturned.
You see how desperate I am?
You promised I'd win but I lost to Money Face.
Money Face is a joke....
Quiet, piano playing polar bear...
he don't take the music seriously.
Oh my God. Do you know what this means?
Yea, you gotta help me write a new song.
NO - It means my star is fading.
Forgetting the Teen Convict Awards.
Men looking at Jenny instead of me.
I've lost my New York mojo.
Oh, 2Bit will just see about this.
♪
I'm being infected by suburbia.
It's like some disgusting mediocrity rash -
no offence.
I need to get my swagger back.
You can just decide to do that?
Of course, I just need a little help from a
woman's best friend and a man's cure for impotence.
Please don't say a puppy?
Honestly - that's the first thing that
came into your head?
Come on, where the hell are you- AH-HA!
Behold - a box full of swagger.
Those stupid Susie Homemakers won't know what hit 'em.
Oh my God!
Guiseppe Zanotti's Metal Heel Mary Janes!
What's happening? - Who is that?
I've only ever seen shoes like that on famous people on TV.
I feel like I'm standing beside a celebrity.
Well, of course they're expensive but when in Rome,
which is where I got them.
Oh my god! Pope Sanctioned!
If anyone is interested, I can show you some pictures
of other great shoes I own, that I'm sure...
Most of you have only drooled over in magazines.
I wore these at last year's BET awards.
And these at the after party inside Lil Wayne's
huge limo. And these at the after, after party
on Dr. Dre's yacht that he had towed to the parking lot.
Ooh, wow!
I can't look at your feet anymore without feeling sick!
Now, does anyone want to see my favourite pair?
Yes, yes! Please god yes! - Uh-huh!
(Gasps) Glaaaaaaah!
It was worth it.
Meet my Jimmies.
Jimmy Choo Swarovsky, crystal encrusted
platform peep toe ankle boots.
Mwa, mwa, mwa!
They're worth more than all of your lives put together.
Red light.... - (Pants)
No! Red Light, Green Light!
You can't run on red.
But my mom says stopping for red lights is for cowards.
Forget it.
Hey, Dick.
It's tough being the new kid sometimes, huh.
I just want to fit in.
Well, I think I know just the thing that will
help you with that.
Mom! Mom, can I help out for the charity drive?
All the kids are doing it. - Kind of busy, honey.
There are prizes and everything for the kid
who does the most.
Can I please, please, please give stuff?
Sure, whatever you want. - Thanks mom.
You're the best. - I know.
Rudi - my life is falling apart.
I need help. My marriage is over.
Oh relax. It's your first marriage.
Those are like the practice ones.
But I love my husband.
Fine, what happened?
Nobody hangs up on 2Bit!
Gimme a champagne and maple syrup, extra ice.
Rud, your robot butler's giving me attitude.
I'm not a robot. - Ah! It's self aware.
We gotta destroy it! - Calm down.
I understand why you're confused but she's not
a robot, just a stay-at-home mom.
Sarah. Problem. Go.
Well my husband and I were supposed to use
video conferencing to have...
you know, video s-e-x.
Is that all?
All men like that kind of crap.
I know lots of people who make sex tapes.
Just because something is sad and empty
doesn't mean your marriage is over.
You don't understand, we do it every second Tuesday
when he travels for work.
Only today he never logged on and then he sent me a
text saying he was too busy.
What if he's having an affair?
2Bit is bored by this.
Married sex ain't even real sex.
I got issues for real.
Rud, you gotta help me write a new number one!
How am I supposed to help, bearing in mind a
video three-way isn't going to happen.
Oh goodness no.
I want my husband to look at me the way men
were looking at you.
Well the shoes will help, but it's more of a
complete package thing with me, so...
This is all I got so far.
Yea - uh-huh - Um...
Maybe something 'bout a hot tub or cars...
Yea, maybe something about girls or something.
That's the worst song I've ever heard and
I've been to a Creed concert.
Let me deal with this first, then I'll help you
write a song that doesn't suck.
Sarah I'll loan you a pair of four inch boner magnets.
If your husband doesn't travel through time to
bang you yesterday, then he's cheating on you...
With a dude. - Thank you!
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you!
Wait here.
So what, she gotta plug you in at night or is you solar?
[scream] My shoes are gone!
Someone stole the things I love most in the world
If you heard that kids, I mean next to you.
It's like a tie.... I love them all...
The shoes win.
They were just shoes, Rudi. No they weren't. They were a source of power,
an affirmation of my higher standing.
What's the point of being better than everyone
if you can't rub their faces in it?
You can always buy more and you still have your health.
I can't afford to replace them and there's no point
in being healthy if you have ugly shoes.
Give me my Jimmies and black death any day.
I went to school with a kid whose nickname
was black death. - Really, was he in a gang?
No, he drown in a pool.
Look, would you two just leave so I can get drunk
with my middle income feet and their life of
shameful mediocrity in the suburbs -
No offence, Sarah. - But what about my husband?
And you need you to help me rediscover my genius.
Leave me alone! Don't you get it?
My power is gone!
[gasp]
Ferragamo Crocodile Avila's.
Where did you get my shoes and
why the hell are they on your feet?
Oh! Ah!
Yes my pretties....
What's that? [laughs]
Oh, you are a dickens.
Mm...
It's fun doing the right thing.
Look everyone!
It's Rudi Wilson, our biggest donor!
On behalf of the underprivileged,
thank you for your generosity.
Saint Rudi, my feet praise you!
AHH - Get it off! Get it off! Get it off!
Stop, drop and roll! Stop, drop and roll!
Ugh!
Thanks, mom.
All the kids said I did the best and I'm going to
get a prize at the next school assembly.
What's that now?
Well, remember, how you said I could donate whatever
I wanted so I did and your shoes raised the most money.
No, I meant as much of your stuff as you wanted,
not my stuff. Never my stuff.
I think I can speak for everyone when I say
we are truly humbled by your generosity.
Yea, well I speak for myself when I say get me
my shoes back or I'll run you over with my car.
Gee, I'm afraid that's not possible.
There's no telling who bought them.
(Grunts)
I will destroy that yoga-pant ape.
But after you find the shoes, right?
So you can lend me that pair and I won't die alone.
Don't listen to the sack of third world electronics.
We need to write me a hit song.
Rudi, you get me that hit,
I'll pay a man to gold plate your feet.
You'll never have to buy shoes again.
People call you gold foot. That's a good nickname.
How the hell am I supposed to get them back!
I don't know who has them!
And, Gold foot is a stupid name!
Hang on, 2Bit just had a thought he was thinking.
We need to go back to the school.
2Bit'll tell you exactly who got your shoes.
Why do we have to stay in my room?
Because there's an evil witch in the house and
this is the only room that's safe.
So you kids stay in here while Mommy gets rid of her,
then in the morning everything will be fine.
You have a facial recognition APP?
Supposed to be only for military use but I got a guy.
Only way I recognize the faces of women
I've already slept with.
I got a life goal to sleep with every woman in the
world two and a half times.
And I do mean every woman and a half times.
Oh...
SSHHHH! My shoes!
Got it. Next.
I still can't believe I was betrayed by my own son.
After all I've done for him.
But mom said we were supposed to stay in here.
I know, but I have to pee and I don't hear anything
so let's just run to the bathroom and right back.
[mechanical cackle] - AHHHH!
AHHHHHH!
The witch is real! The witch is real!
What are we going to do?
You're kids are being baby-sat by a witch doll!
Well how the hell else was I going to spend the night
tracking down poor people, stealing my shoes back?
Oh don't be all judge-y.
Like I'm the first mother in history to leave a
witch doll in charge of her kids.
Dick's room is safe.
They'll be too scared to leave it.
Therefore, my kids are safe and isn't that a
parent's first priority?
Now, let's get my damn shoes.
We're trapped.
It must have gotten mom.
I don't want to die.
Greg! Help us!
We're being held captive by a witch!
Ooh! Scary!
Well, have fun! - No!
Really. Help us. - Where's your mom?
The witch got her and now she's coming for us!
Oh-ho-ho-kay.
I'm going to go talk to your mom but you keep up
the good work kids.
A child's imagination is the most precious
gift there is.
(Knocks)
Rudi? Hello?
Shhh! The witch will hear you!
Huh. You kids wait there, I'll be right back.
No! - No!
Oh that's fine. Now, let's go find your mom.
I don't want to go out there.
I'm scared.
Ah. You know Apple, if you're afraid of something,
the best thing to do is just put your head down and
run right at it because chances are
it's just as scared of you.
My father taught me that right before he was bitten
in the face by a cobra and he was a pretty smart man.
I don't want to run at a witch.
Oh c'mon, I bet it was just your imagination
playing tricks on you.
Witches have been extinct for years.
AAH! [scared screams]
Ooh, did you see her cold, dead eyes!
Oh, this neighbourhood doesn't look too seedy.
Did someone stab the sign?
Oh-oh, glue-sniffing dogs!
[gasp] My Louboutin's!
Get 'em!
[snarls and growls]
Man I feel great.
Wrong side of town, fighting dogs,
taking care of business. Come on!
And a half!
Okay, so let's go over what we do know.
Some witches have survived in the wild so that means
there must be a strong breeding population
out there and we're trapped.
We made the witch angry, now she's going to come
and get us like she got mommy.
Oh... Maybe not.
I saw the first half of a movie about witches once
and I'm pretty sure that all we have to do is
control her arms and she won't be able to use her
magic wand to cast spells on us.
We need to surprise attack her.
We don't want to go back out there.
No! - Hey...
Sometimes being a kid means accepting that
adults might know things you don't because
they have more life experience.
You need to trust me on this, kids.
The best thing we can do is find some weapons and
murder the old woman in your hallway.
Can we go home yet?
My feet are really sore and my insides hurt
because of some of the stuff I've seen.
No one is going anywhere until I get all my shoes back.
This weirdo doesn't live too far from here and
looks like easy prey.
After that I'll just need to retrieve -
The entire Manolo Blahnik's fall collection!
You all from Stupid town or something.
You ain't supposed to be here.
Those are my shoes.
I ain't see your feet in them.
A'ight. Who wants to get cut, first?
She does! What, men find scars sexy.
I'm just trying to help you and your husband.
Please don't stab us.
Hasn't anyone ever given you a pamphlet about bullying?
Forget it, Sarah.
You can't reason with teenage girls drunk
on the power of expensive shoes.
(Sighs) I was once that girl.
I got this.
How you like to be famous? I'm 2Bit.
I ain't stupid. I got high school.
I know who you is.
Yea, then you know this, I'm about to drop a
new song and video and I need some dancers.
You got to have some moves.
Oh we got moves.
Then how's about you bust them and show 2Bit
what you got.
A'ight. Hit it girls.
(Screams)
Get the shoes!
You're never going anywhere in life if
you can't work a pair of heels.
Oh you don't talk to me like that!
You ain't no better than me.
Man! Stand still so I can cut you.
I want to go home.
We're almost finished. This is his place!
(Knocks)
Yes- oof!
What is the meaning of this intrusion?
[gasp]
What is this place?
A celebration of love and conquest.
Each pair of shoes,
a reminder of a special moment.
You banged and/or killed all these people?
Don't be silly.
I'm not a freak,
I just made sweet love to their shoes.
For you see, much like Prince Charming,
I have spent my life looking for the perfect foot.
[gasps] My Jimmies!
No. My Jimmies.
And the pill I took isn't going to last forever
so please leave.
Enough! Stop it.
Everyone stop being gross.
I have been faithfully devoted to my husband
since we met in kindergarten.
I have never been with anyone else.
I have never wanted to be with anybody else.
Now all of that may go away if we don't walk
out of here with them, So - just give us the shoes.
It's not the shoes he wants, Sarah.
Prince Charming didn't throw out the princess
and keep the slippers. - Ooh!
What is it that you're suggesting... Princess?
The shoes did their job.
You found your princess's feet and they can be yours...
for an hour, in exchange for the shoes.
Rudi! Don't! I don't need the shoes.
If my husband doesn't love me for who I am,
then he can just put Mr. Sizzle
in whatever otter's pocket he wants.
No. Whatever it takes -
I'm not walking out of here without my Jimmies.
Yes!
Your proposition is accepted.
You may have your shoes, once I am done.
Let's get this over with.
I've got a doll looking after my kids.
Remember Apple, if she turns into a pile of
toads, we need to catch as many of them as we can.
Okay.
I am very scared so let's do this before I poop.
(Inhales) Aaaaah!
Kill it! Go! Kill it, kids!
Go, go, go! (Screams)
(Grunts)
Kill it!
You're safe.
Oh! Don't ever leave again.
The witch didn't get you.
We love you, Mommy.
See kids, by defeating the witch we released
your mother from the other dimension and saved her.
Thank you science.
Are you okay mommy?
Your mom's was solid.
Fighting dogs, tricking junkies, man
watching her in action got me all spilling over
with creative juices.
I was pretty good out there, even without my shoes.
I got to get back to my studio.
See ya Rudi. Thanks for your help robot.
Greg, can you watch the kids for a bit.
Follow me, Sarah.
Hey Peter, I'm Sarah's friend Rudi.
Your wife has something for you...
And you're welcome.
Make sure you do the laundry when you're done.
It's okay, Dick.
The important thing is you got an award and
no poor people have shoes that are above them.
Hey Dick, wanna play? - Can I mom?
Sure, I'll hang on to your award for you.
Thanks Rudi. - Everything work out?
Yea, but these aren't for me.
I'm not ready for them and my husband won't leave me alone.
I can barely walk and it's not just because of the shoes.
With great power comes great responsibility
and also, that's more detail about you doing that than
I'll ever need.
Would you excuse me for a minute.
Hey.
Is there something we can help you with, because
I really am busy.
Oh I just wanted to see how you enjoyed the
Japanese restaurant last night.
How did you know about that?
Well I was the one who sent you the
surprise gift certificate.
Well then - apology accepted.
Apology? Me to you?
I don't think so.
I just wanted you to take your dirty whore shoes off
and leave them unattended.
I promised a friend I'd let him borrow them for an hour.
AAH!
(Laughs) Amateur.
(Crying)
You memorize the lyrics I wrote?
I'm 2Bit. The baddest mother-fu--
Yea, I know them.
Good. Lock it up!
Roll camera and playback.
♪ I.... Wanna see ya rock side to side ♪
♪ like you're steering a boat, ♪
♪ and drop that ass to the ground ♪
♪ like your legs were broke. ♪
♪ I see ya down on the floor girl show me those skills. ♪
♪ And I learned it from a gangster in heels. Ha! ♪
♪ Now do the broken ankle... ♪
♪ do the broken ankle shuffle... do the broken ankle... ♪
Still got it.
♪ Break your f'in ankles, girl, ♪
♪ break your f'in ankles... ♪